FORT WAYNE, IN—According to sources close to local boy Michael Jacobs, the 8-year-old kid reported he was “bored” after school Monday, even though he was surrounded by more luxuries and abundant resources than even royalty had just 100 years ago.
“There’s nothing to do,” he said, his eyes glazing over as he stared at a mountain of electronics, games, and entertainment devices specifically designed to ensure he stayed engaged at all times.
Jacobs also reportedly pointed out that there was nothing to watch on Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, and YouTube, even though kings and queens of ages past who felt lucky to go to a playhouse from time to time would have been flabbergasted at the sheer number of entertainment options available to him. The boy browsed through the catalogs of various streaming services on one of the family’s eighteen streaming devices before declaring every single show that catered to his exact demographic was “lame.”
Sources claim Jacobs’ parents then suggested he play one of the hundreds of video games he had accumulated over the years, but the youth reportedly replied that he would need to acquire a new game if he was to remain entertained for more than a few minutes.
“Those games were exciting when I first got them, but now they’re just boring. Uggggh, there’s nothing fun around here,” he told them, according to witnesses.
At publishing time, Jacobs had wandered over to the cupboard and stared miserably at a larger quantity and variety of foodstuffs than princes of past centuries ever could have dreamed of, and declared there was “nothing to eat.”