AUSTIN, TX—Governor Greg Abbott of Texas has just lifted the mask mandate and is allowing businesses to return to 100% capacity. The Governor explains that in these trying times, extreme measures must be taken to stop the spread of Californians into Texas and to scare them off from ever wanting to return.
“The last thing we need is a bunch of sissies from California moving to our beautiful state of Texas and screwing everything up and turning the state blue!” said Governor Abbott during a Lubbock Chamber of Commerce event. “Too many Californians have entered our state. Too many ridiculous liberal ideas have already been proposed. This must end. It’s time to open Texas 100%.”
Governor Abbott continued, “We believe that by removing the mask requirement that all of the Californians will flee in terror, restoring our state to its former glory. As soon as they see the joy and hear the laughter of our citizens returning to normal life, they’ll be sure to pack up and leave at once.”
The Governor has strategically placed “No Masks Required” stickers on all Texas state signs warning all who enter of what lies beyond. He has expressed hope that this will send any namby-pamby who reads it back around to where they came from. “We tried buying and carrying more guns around, but somehow that didn't work. Then we tried driving around in big, lifted, gas-guzzling trucks, but they still kept coming. But now, by removing our masks for good, Texas can finally start to heal.”
After seeing immediate results by reversing the mask mandate, Governor Abbott has been looking for more ways to scare off the cry-baby cowards. He has now removed all social distancing guidelines and even encouraged citizens to stop washing their hands.