HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—In a last-ditch effort to save its Sears retail stores, Sears Holdings announced a no-holds-barred blowout sale, slashing prices down to just around 40% more than you'd pay on Amazon.
The move instantly sparked revitalization, with shoppers from around the country rushing to their nearest Sears location so as not to miss out on the chance to pay a slightly less egregious price for products from the department store.
"Every item in our stores is on sale for a good 40% more than you'd pay on Amazon," a Sears spokesperson said. "Usually, we're at least 75% more, so this is a great opportunity to get ripped off a little bit less than normal!"
Sears will also be expanding its inventory to help it compete as it staves off liquidation, promising to begin carrying roughly 0.0012% of Amazon's massive selection.
The sale also extends to the company's online business, with the company offering free two-week shipping on all products until the end of the week or the end of the company's existence, whichever comes first.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.