WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Elizabeth Warren begins throwing more and more of her fellow candidates under the bus, the White House is beginning preparations just in case a woman actually becomes president. The first step in their plan is to loosen the lids on all jars of peanut butter, pickles, and jelly in the White House kitchen.
"Think about the national security disaster if a female president were to get up in the middle of the night and have a craving for some dill pickles," said White House Assistant Chef Blake Wilhelm as he loosened a pickle jar lid with ease since he is a man. "She might get angry and begin lashing out. What if she gets so mad she calls in a nuke on the jar? We just can't be too careful."
While many have painted President Trump as a hateful misogynist, he actually ordered the loosening of the jars himself, proving he is compassionate and kind toward all women. "If Warren wins, I'll be the first one applauding her," he told his advisers. "Woman president? I love it. Tremendous. But let's loosen up the jar lids so she doesn't have too tough of a time. Maybe we try to kill all the spiders before we move out too."
Warren has assured the nation she will not have any problem opening the jars, as her first act in office will be to appoint a big, hulking man as her Secretary of Jar Opening.