MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In an exciting update to Google’s popular Chrome browser Tuesday, the technology giant announced a major breakthrough, beefing up the program’s privacy and encryption protocols in its “incognito mode” such that even God Himself can’t intercept or recover websites visited while using it.
Incognito mode, used occasionally for buying birthday gifts but otherwise used almost entirely for browsing porn or other filthy material, previously prevented only the local computer from keeping a record of websites visited and searches performed.
The Google Chrome team was proud of its accomplishment.
“Our competitors’ browsers still allow the Almighty to peek in on the shameful content you guys view every day,” Chrome product manager Stephen Konig said in a statement announcing the update. “When you use Chrome, you’re getting a safe, reliable, fast web-browsing experience, and now you don’t have to worry about being accountable to any kind of righteous, sovereign Judge.”
“But still—be careful your wife or kids don’t walk in on you when you’re ‘going incognito,'” Konig said. “We can’t help you there. Lock the door, guys.”
Immediately after the update hit, Google’s servers crashed for several hours, as hundreds of millions of men worldwide rushed to download the update.