TROUTDALE, MI—An insane man who is known for stumbling through the streets of Troutdale shouting at people that he'll buy back things from them that he never owned after he takes money from them that he does not possess has become one of the leading candidates in the 2020 presidential election.
While the man's name remains unknown, most experts agree that he is clinically insane and has very little connection to actual reality. "He seems to believe that everything on this Earth once belonged to him, including all the money. Within that paradigm, he believes he can spend all the money to buy all the stuff he wants even though he is literally just some guy who smells like bad tuna salad and whiskey," said psychologist Henry P. Davis of Dartmouth. "This man is very ill."
But before the man could be taken away by authorities to a mental health facility, the Democratic party scooped him up and drafted him as another possible candidate for 2020. "This man aligns perfectly with our values as a party," said Tom Perez, party chair. The man's poll numbers have seen an exponential rise thanks to the fact that many Democrats believe they too owned everything on this earth including all the money and can buy whatever they want with it.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.