MONTECITO, CA—From his cool, air-conditioned mansion, famed genius and internet inventor Al Gore held a press conference today where he officially banned Donald Trump from the internet.
"As the inventor of the internet, I hereby declare Trump banned for life," Gore said solemnly. "He's not allowed on Twitter, Facebook, Angelfire, MySpace, Geocities, AOL, Google, Tinder, TikTok, anything. If it's on the internet, it's under my domain."
Many people aren't aware that Gore invented the internet, but the claim is true, having been fact-checked as "double-plus true" by Snopes. One urban legend claimed that Bob Internet invented the internet in 1995, but he turned out to be a fraud. The true story is that Gore was sitting around at a White House mixer in late 1996 and was "pretty plastered." "You know what would be totally rad?" he said, according to several witnesses. "A global system of interconnected computer networks that uses the Internet protocol suite to communicate between networks and devices."
The DJ suddenly stopped playing "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls and the room fell silent. "That's... that's genius!" shouted Bill Clinton, his arms around two interns. "Let's make it happen!" Everyone cheered and the Spice Girls song resumed. And so the internet was invented.
With Gore's latest declaration, Trump will no longer be allowed to be within 1,000 feet of any device that has the internet, which includes smartphones, computers, and now most toasters and refrigerators.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a private flight to catch," he concluded as he walked out the backdoor to his private hangar and airstrip to board a flight to his next speech on climate change.