PALM BEACH, FL—Local church introvert Frank Boggins was visiting Shire Christian Church this past Sunday, enjoying the service from the back row, when he heard the dreaded words from the pulpit: "Why don't we all take a few minutes and shake the hands of a hundred or so people around us?"
Boggins immediately fumbled in his "pocketses" and found what he was looking for: a mysterious magical ring he'd recently acquired. (He later claimed he found it, though quickly changed his story, saying it was a birthday present.)
"This is the END. I am going. I am leaving now. Goodbye!" he announced before slipping the ring on and suddenly disappearing. Boggins was transported into a shadowy otherworld as he disappeared from view. Now completely undetectable, Boggins was able to slip past the hordes of people trying to shake his hand, say good morning, ask how his week went, and give him an awkward sidehug.
Dark whispers from eldritch wraiths penetrated his mind as he slipped through the shadows of the world, bent on escaping the church without having to make small talk with anyone. He managed to make it to the parking lot and remove the ring just in time, preventing these mysterious hunters of the ring from finding him.
Boggins later told reporters that wearing the ring too often could potentially cause the end of the world, but "it's totally worth it."
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