TEHRAN—In response to the United States’ recent killing of top Iranian general Qasem Soleimani, Iran announced on Tuesday it will no longer pretend to abide by the 2015 Nuclear Deal between the two nations.
Sources confirm Iran has already dismantled its Department of Compliance Chicanery and fired its Director for Nuclear Deal Duplicity. “America is the Great Satan and cannot be trusted,” a spokesperson told reporters. “They do not deserve our sham adherence to an agreement we never intended to follow in the first place.”
Iranian officials then revealed that their National Center to Help Children and Orphans and their Department of Puppies and Candy were actually nuclear facilities in disguise this whole time. Shocked New York Times reporters watched as Iranian officials pressed a button at the Center for World Peace and Also Cake and Ice Cream, rotating the walls to reveal it was actually a nuclear research center.
At publishing time, North Korea was threatening to stop faking compliance with its nuclear restrictions.