HOUSTON, TX—After contractors discovered hundreds of envelopes full of cash in the walls of Lakewood church, Lakewood's head pastor Joel Osteen has volunteered his services for a much-needed church remodel.
"IT'S DEMOOOOOO DAAAAAY!" he sang out as he walked into a nearby restroom and began smashing holes in the walls. "Oh, how I love demo day!!!"
He swung his sledgehammer into the tile and drywall, causing piles of money to cascade out of the walls.
"I'm claiming God's bountiful financial blessings for my life!" he said between swings. "Weeeeeeeeeeee!"
Investigators say hundreds of thousands of dollars were found, possibly linked to a 2014 theft of $600,000 from Lakewood Church.
Sources from the church say Osteen has been happily swinging all night, having found $599,999. He remains committed to searching for days, if necessary, to find the one remaining lost dollar.
At the time of publishing, treasure hunters have descended on Osteen's $11 million mansion armed with saws and sledgehammers to see what they find in his walls.
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.