SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Jack Dorsey was summoned to the Senate's hearing on Big Tech today, but he was tripping on acid with the spider-monkeys off the southern coast of St. Bart's, so he quickly called up his office and had his people hire a homeless man hanging out in front of Twitter's headquarters to fill in for him.
The hobo was holding up a sign reading "Will Go to Senate Hearing for Crack," and Dorsey's assistants quickly hired him for the hearing.
"Yeah, uh, censorship, I like that. That's good stuff," said the hobo to the confused panel. "The apocalypse is coming, man. The signs are all around us!"
"Sorry, Mr., uh, Dorsey, we were expecting a professional-looking CEO, but you're clearly just a hobo off the streets of San Francisco," said Senator Mike Lee. "Couldn't you at least have taken a shower before talking to the United States Senate?"
"Hey, bro, chill out," the hobo responded. "Don't harsh my mellow, man. I'm doing this for a couple bags of blow and a $20, man. You suck!"
For his part, Mark Zuckerberg programmed a lookalike android to testify.