FRISCO, TX—By popular demand, smoothie chain Jamba Juice is now offering shots of organic dirt.
The shots can be mixed in with your fruit smoothie or taken straight. Jamba Juice has promised only the highest quality, fine-grain, organic, non-GMO dirt.
"We already let you mix grass and sticks in with your smoothie---this was the next logical step," a representative said. "Do you want to show your friends you only drink the finest all-natural smoothies? Then it's time for you to get a few shots of Jamba Dirt."
"Our dirt is rich in vitamins and minerals. You might even say it rocks."
The dirt is harvested by trained experts all over the world. They are taught to look for only the finest samples of mud, dust, dirt, gravel, and rocks for the company. Then the dirt is aged over a six-month process to bring out the very best flavors. Finally, it's packaged up and sent to Jamba Juice franchises all over the country.
For an upcharge, you can even specify that you want dirt that was walked on by a celebrity, like Lady Gaga, Barack Obama, or Kim Jong-Un.
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Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.