HOUSTON, TX—Motivational speaker and supposed pastor Joel Osteen proudly unveiled his brand new, $17 million beach home Monday.
The home was custom-designed by Osteen himself and built on a foundation made entirely of sand, "for maximum strength and durability and also great views of the ocean waves."
Osteen says the home provides him idyllic views of his best life and that he'll get the "very first look" at any tidal waves or floodwaters rushing in from the Gulf of Mexico. "As the waves come in and the rains come down, I'll be safe and secure in my beautiful new house on the sand."
"The blessings come down as my net worth goes up," he hummed to himself as he took possession of the keys on his new home on the sand.
Some construction workers tried to tell him it was daft to build a mansion on the sand, but he built it all the same, "just to show 'em I'm living my best life now." Sadly, his mansion fell down. A second one also fell down, while a third one burned down, fell over, and then sank into the Gulf of Mexico.
"But the fourth one stayed up!" Osteen said happily.