SAN ANTONIO, TX—Admitting that he was behind the eight ball and that the cosmic event had crept up on him, prophecy and end-times expert Pastor John Hagee was seen in his study Tuesday furiously typing up a book to be rushed out ahead of the historic solar eclipse next week.
The pastor frantically digs through his lunar charts and maps of the galaxy late into each night, “exegeting like he’s never exegeted before,” according to sources.
“This puppy won’t sell like my classic blood moon book,” Hagee told reporters as he typed at 150 words per minute. “I mean four blood moons? That was a once in a lifetime deal—every prophecy guru’s dream. But I can still sell a few hundred thousand copies as long as I can find some kind of tenuous connection to Daniel, Zechariah, or Revelation.”
Hagee then turned back to his computer to put the finishing touches on a chapter wedging the planetary event into Matthew 24, muttering “close enough” to himself as he tweaked the meaning of the text to align with the August 21 eclipse.