Celebs Sports
John Piper Publicly Repents Of Fist Pump During Vikings Game

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a video posted to his social media accounts, long time Minneapolis pastor John Piper has publicly confessed and repented of undue excitement over the Vikings’ playoff win Sunday evening.

The preacher and author said he was “deeply sorry” for eking the slightest pleasure out of watching the worldly sport.

Piper told confidants that he knew he was in danger of hell fire when his heart rate became slightly elevated in the closing minutes of the game. Such excitement spilled over into what witnesses called a “reserved pump of the fist” when Stefon Diggs improbably scored the game winning touchdown as time expired.

“There are thousands of weightless, meaningless, heart-numbing so-called pleasures that entice us, and shrink our appetite for God. In a moment of athletic triumph, I experienced spiritual defeat,” Piper said as he read his prepared statement, before breaking into uncontrollable weeping, crying, “Only what’s done for Christ will last!”

An emotional Piper was last seen Monday morning at a local coffee shop, marking up an original edition of When I Don’t Desire God.

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