Politics
Judge Dismisses Sexual Assault Allegations Against Biden On Grounds That He Is Not A Republican

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden was cleared in federal court today of charges that some claimed were based upon credible allegations of sexual assault when the judge quickly realized that Joe Biden was not a Republican.

“Well, this looks pretty serious… let’s see who is on—wait a minute. He’s a Democrat! I can find no fault with him,” declared a fourth circuit federal judge hearing preliminary claims. 

“It is well established in this court that Republicans are the ones who want to silence women and control their bodies. Haven’t you seen The Handmaid’s Tale?” the judge further added before banging down the gavel.

The bailiff immediately grabbed the female accuser by the collar and threw her up into the air out onto the sidewalk, just like in the cartoons.

The allegations against then-Senator Joe Biden date back to 1993. Several other people had corroborated key details relating to the seriousness and timing of the intern’s story including a discovered CNN clip of her mother calling The Larry King Show and a neighbor confirming that the woman had told her at the time what had happened. However, this circumstantial evidence of vile behavior, even interpreted under the generous standard of "believe all women" set by the government in prior cases involving Republicans, was declared to only be valid if the alleged perpetrator was a greedy, evil Republican.

“This is a victory for the judicial standard in our country of assuming the accused are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law,” stated Alyssa Milano. “We always need to maintain this standard of maintaining silence and withholding judgment on such cases when it is convenient and maintains our narratives.”

“I believe and hear you, Joe” she added.

At publishing time, celebrities were circulating a video in which they were singing individual lines of "Imagine" off-key in support of the rich, old, white male Democrat who was promising to take down the bad orange man.


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