LOS ANGELES, CA—Children in California have formed the first-ever "Kids' Union," a powerful political lobbying force designed to influence policy in Sacramento. Their first order of business was to raise millions of dollars—mostly by mowing lawns and selling lemonade—in order to donate a bunch of money to Governor Newsom so they will be exempted from all vaccine mandates.
"Hey, it worked for the teachers' union," said Brayden Valentino, elected first chair of the Kids Union. "Now, Brightunny, what do you got for us today?"
Brightunny Paulson, treasurer of the committee, said they had raised millions of dollars already but kept losing it all as the rest of the kids continued to spend the money on new Fortnite skins.
"Dang it, people. Let's try to stay focused. Fewer V-Bucks, more lobbying the system to treat us differently than everyone else. Only by raising money and donating it to people like Governor Newsom can we cheat the system and change the science."
"Now, let's break for Capri Suns and Pixy Stix."
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.