NEW YORK, NY—Planned Parenthood fired Leana Wen this week, stating that the former president had regularly failed to hit her monthly goals in regards to the number of babies killed by the organization.
According to internal memos, Wen consistently fell short of killing a sufficient number of babies month after month for the company to hit its financial goals. When she was hired last year, she was given a quota of how many lives she was supposed to snuff out every month, quarter, and fiscal year. While Wen did oversee thousands upon thousands of deaths, it wasn't enough for Planned Parenthood.
"Sorry, we were just looking for someone a little more murderous," a Planned Parenthood board member told Wen after informing her of her forced departure. "We're ending your term with the company just short of nine months. We wish you the best in whatever immoral job you take on next."
The company has reportedly tapped Thanos the Mad Titan as interim president as it searches for someone who can get the job done.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.