KENOSHA, WI—Leftists are sounding the alarm that Kyle Rittenhouse—a notorious slayer of white communist pedophiles—may escape punishment through a little-known legal loophole known as a "trial."
"This is very concerning," said Chip Cordray, progressive legal expert covering the case. "Using this obscure loophole, Rittenhouse's fate will be decided by an impartial jury of peers based on evidence, rather than the whims of noble communist revolutionaries on Twitter—such as Bette Midler and Joe Biden."
Experts confirm that if Rittenhouse is found "not guilty," liberals won't be getting their way, which could lead to massive temper-tantrums, such as arson and looting.
"We can't let this happen," said Cordray. "It's time to talk about closing the 'trial' loophole so that justice can be done according to the whims of the leftist mob, as our founding fathers intended."
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!