Here's a great life hack: if you go on down to Costco and can't find any toilet paper because weirdos are hoarding it all, just use any old Joel Osteen book you have lying around.
Books by Osteen and other fake pastors are readily available in large quantities at any thrift store or big-box retailer and haven't been snapped up like toilet paper, so they're ideal for weathering the Coronavirus storm.
"Really, any prosperity gospel book will do, but considering Osteen books' particularly deceitful brand of self-help theology and their abundance on the shelves of Walmart and Target, you can't go wrong picking up a few extra Osteens for when this pandemic gets really bad," said John MacArthur as he stocked up on copies of Your Best Life Now at a local thrift shop. "I usually wouldn't recommend anything by that charlatan, but in times of crisis, get out there and stock up."
"And then go home."
While most books would cause pain and papercuts when used as toilet tissue, the soft, fluffy, toothless theology in Christian self-help books by Osteen feels light and refreshing.
Osteen has issued a statement saying people should instead just name and claim victory over Coronavirus and the lack of toilet paper in their homes.
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