OAK RIDGE, TN—Lifelong Arminian Eric Smith tragically lost his salvation Tuesday in a high-stakes game of Texas Hold ‘Em, sources confirmed. Citing a lack of cash as well as a “lucky feeling” after a streak of poor and costly hands, Smith drew upon, and subsequently lost, his one possession of infinite worth: eternal forgiveness bought by the shed blood of the Son of God.
With only $25 in chips remaining, Smith’s final attempt of the night to recoup his losses began with a promising pair of kings. However, as the remaining series of turns brought Smith no further luck, fellow player Pete Stevens began making more aggressive bets, causing the desperate, cash-strapped Smith to pledge his salvation in sharpie on a nearby napkin in the hopes of calling Stevens’ bluff.
As a tense, sweating Smith looked on, Stevens revealed a flush, winning the hand as well as the imputation of Christ’s righteousness for the eternal pardoning of Smith’s sins.
When asked for comment, Smith expressed sorrow over his rash decision. “It was a dumb wager—in the heat of the moment I wasn’t thinking clearly,” he stated. “I’ve always feared losing my salvation, but I never thought it would happen like this.”
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.