WEST DES MOINES, IA—Local Calvinist Steve Wentworth officially departed the infamous “cage stage” Wednesday after nearly three years trapped in a state of near-constant arrogance and an almost unbearably obnoxious, abrasive attitude about his newly discovered belief in Calvinism, also known as the doctrines of grace.
Wentworth announced he would now be embracing a more sophisticated brand of quiet, aloof smugness going forward.
“After consulting with my elders and poring over Calvin’s Institutes, I have decided to transition into a period of cool pretentiousness,” Wentworth said in a statement to the press as he smoked an exclusive blend of tobacco on his hand-carved pipe and sipped on a craft beer.
“When I was a young, arrogant Calvinist, I thought like an arrogant Calvinist, I spoke like an arrogant Calvinist, I constantly debated people on Facebook like an arrogant Calvinist. But now that I’m grown, I’ve put away these childish things and will instead just snicker and shake my head when I see foolish Christians posting inaccurate quotes about God on Instagram.”
At publishing time, Wentworth had an almost undetectable expression of pompous superiority on his face as his wife talked with him about how awesome it was that Jesus died for everyone who ever lived. “Yeah, that’s neat, babe.”