PALM BEACH, FL—After many hours of reflection, self-examination, prayer, and beer, local Calvinist man Michael Konynenbelt resolved last night to do whatever the Lord's sovereign will has decreed for him this year.
"It's important to take stock of our lives and commit to doing more for God's Kingdom," he told a friend at a New Year's Eve celebration. "For my part, I will resolve, if it be at all in my power, to do whatever God sovereignly ordains for me to do, whatever His all-encompassing, irresistible will dictates each and every moment of my life."
"I can do no other," he added thoughtfully.
When pressed, Konyenbelt admitted he was hoping that was mostly drinking lots of craft beer and watching football. "But whatever God decrees, so will I do. More evangelism? Maybe. More volunteering my time at church? Possibly. Yet still, I hope it's mostly beer and football."