RIO LINDA, CA—Local believer in Christ Edward Myers revealed Thursday that he has significantly more quotes from quirky 2004 comedy Napoleon Dynamite memorized than Bible verses, despite the fact that the 38-year-old has identified as a Christian and owned a Bible his entire life.
“I like to store up lines from Napoleon Dynamite in my heart, so I always have a good one for any situation that might come my way,” Myers told reporters. “It’s remarkable how relevant the movie has stayed despite all the changes in culture in the last 15 years. Girls still only like guys who have great skills, for instance.”
After asking one reporter how long it took him to grow his mustache, the man then went on a tirade, accusing one reporter of “staying home and eating all the freakin’ chips,” telling another his “mom goes to college,” and slamming yet another for having “the worst reflexes of all time,” before asking him to “bring [him his] Chapstick.”
When asked if he knew any Bible verses off the top of his head, he could only conjure up John 3:16.
Pressed about the uselessness of having an unending store of vapid movie quotes committed to memory despite having practically zero passages from the soul-enriching Word of God memorized, Myers replied that if he wanted to, he could “memorize the Bible in 5 seconds.” “Gosh! Idiot!” he added, storming away.