SOUTHFIELD, MI—Anthony Frond has gotten to the point where he refers to any and all citations from the Bible as “base legalism,” according to friends and family of the recent college graduate. Formerly holding to a fairly biblical definition of the word, he has now reportedly expanded its meaning to shut down any discussion, debate, or argument mentioning Scripture.
“I have to admit, he’s nothing if not consistent,” noted former roommate Caleb Shelt. “The other day, he started cussing up a storm over losing on the Xbox, and when I reminded him of Ephesians 4:29 and James 3, he called me a ‘modern-day Judaizer.’ Then he said he was going to go use his ‘Christian liberty’ to get good and hammered—daring me to tell him he shouldn’t.”
Shelt also described an embarrassing recent incident in church where Frond got up and left in the middle of a sermon point about the general importance of baptism in the Christian life, shouting how he has “had it up to here with all your man-made regulations.”
His mother, Anita Frond, also expressed concern.
“I asked Anthony if he’d seen my Bible lying around, and he just yelled, ‘Ugh, Mom, you’re such a Pharisee.’ He also said my quoting of 1 John 4:19 was ‘knee-jerk repressionism’— whatever that is.”
Frond was unavailable for comment as he was busy accusing an acquaintance of “flagrant legalism” for claiming that “God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son.”