DENVER, CO—Local man Brayden Allen, whose Twitter profile declares he is a “woke soul in a flock of sheeple,” sleeps until at least noon every day, multiple sources close to him reported Tuesday.
According to Allen’s mother, the 28-year-old man arises around 12:30 p.m. daily, smokes a bowl of “dank kush,” eats several bowls of Fruit Loops, and then gets on the family computer in the den, where he alternates between running a maxed-out, level-100 Death Knight in popular PC game World of Warcraft and visiting several websites like Mother Jones, The Huffington Post, and Slate, while discussing a plethora of social issues on several online message boards.
Allen, who hasn’t woken up early enough to see a sunrise in over a decade, owns several T-shirts, hoodies, and hats that feature sayings like, “woke,” “still woke,” and “get woke.”
“I guess if I had a guiding principle,” Allen said, “it’d be that we all need to stay woke. So many people go through life with their eyes closed, rather than really opening up to the universe and all the injustice going on around us. If you’re not woke to the system that’s against us, you’re sleeping.”
“Wake up, sheeple,” added the man who sleeps over fourteen hours each day after partaking in his nightly marijuana binge and crashing on his mother’s sofa in the basement.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.