BELOIT, WI—Local man Lucas Oliver, 24, lost his salvation Friday for the fifth time this week alone, and so began a frantic search that had him rummaging in between couch cushions, underneath his bed and other furniture in his home, and in that little crack between the seat and the center console of his car, sources confirmed.
After finding nothing but stale McDonald’s fries on the floor of his 1999 Mazda Miata, Oliver grunted his frustration and yelled up to his mother to find out if she had seen the great gift of God’s justification, sanctification, and promise of eternal glorification anywhere.
“This wouldn’t happen if you would just keep track of your things, dear,” his mother scolded. “Have you tried looking where you last had it?”
“Oh, that boy is always losing things—his car keys, his wallet, the mighty work of God wrought in eternity past for his ultimate redemption. I told him to retrace his steps, but it’s his own fault if he can’t find it. He’ll just have to pick up another one with his own allowance money, or recommit his life to Christ this Sunday,” she told reporters.
At press time, Oliver was checking the pockets of all the pants he’d worn over the past week a second time, muttering to himself, “If I were a salvific act of justification by grace, where would I be?”