EAGAN, MN—In a tragic end to his long-running role as head of the Johnson home, family patriarch Jared, 39, was forced to give up his biblical headship after failing to open a stuck peanut butter jar at the request of his wife Friday.
The husband and father of three attempted to open the jar several times but was unable to loosen the cap in the slightest, prompting him to immediately give up his God-given authority over his household, per biblical guidelines.
“It’s been an honor serving as head of the home for the past 15 years,” Johnson said in a statement. “I made some mistakes—that camping trip in Michigan three years ago wasn’t a highlight, that’s for sure—but I like to think my time as patriarch was beneficial to my wife as well as my kids. I’m definitely a better person because of it.”
The man’s family wished him well in his new position as pathetic, submissive, beta father. “Frankly, we always suspected he wasn’t cut out for this. He had to call a mechanic to replace the transmission in our Pontiac last summer, and he only owns two power tools,” Johnson’s wife, Heather, told reporters. “His new role as passive wuss suits him much better.”
Mrs. Johnson was subsequently able to open the jar, and immediately assumed Mr. Johnson’s former position as God-ordained leader of the home.