Internet
Man Not Nearly As Important As Twitter Profile Suggests

NORTH BEND, OR—Internet users looking at Jacob Livingstone’s Twitter profile—which features a professional photo of him laid over a background gradient, along with a cover photo depicting a large city at night—might be led to believe the man is an important figure in modern culture, but recent research seems to suggest his bold claims about himself are at least partial fabrications.

His profile reads, “Thought Leader. Philanthropist. Theologian. Fierce Culture Warrior. Brand Manager. Sojourner.”—titles which are allegedly inaccurate to describe the 34-year-old sales associate’s rather average existence.

Reporters caught up with Livingstone Wednesday to grill him on the alleged discrepancy between his lofty titles for himself and his actual, ordinary life. “I may have gone a little overboard, sure. Lots of people do it,” he said.

When pressed, Livingstone reportedly admitted that by “thought leader” and “fierce culture warrior” referred to his wordpress.com blog, Livingstone Livingstrong, where he opines on various subjects roughly once every other month.

Similarly, Livingstone begrudgingly confessed that his important-sounding “brand manager” title was in fact a reference to his blog as well, which reportedly features a tab describing the fact that he is available for speaking engagements, despite never having given a speech in his life.

At publishing time, Livingstone was adding “Speaker” to his Twitter bio.

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