BOULDER, CO—As the vaccine arrives in hospitals and select mansions across the U.S., local hero Robert Johnston has graciously given up his dose until everyone else has had the chance to try the vaccine first.
“My hospital told me I was in line to get the vaccine, but I was like…uh, now? Aren’t there some elderly people, or, like, some women and children who need to try it out – um, I mean, receive this life-saving drug – first? I don’t want to take their place in line, I mean it’s Christmas for gosh sake!” said Mr. Johnston.
The hospital administrator tried to persuade Mr. Johnston, but he wasn’t about to take someone else’s place in the lifeboat. “Nooo sir, I’ll wait until every healthcare provider, nursing home worker, plumber, mathematician, archaeologist, and lumberjack has had their chance,” replied Mr. Johnston. “Greater love hath no man than he that lets others get vaccinated first, right? Pretty sure that’s in the Bible, like Hezekiah or something.”
Conservatives hailed Mr. Johnston’s wise decision to not be turned into a zombie and/or get the mark of the beast. Progressives, however, accused Mr. Johnston of trying to murder several grandmothers and club a baby seal. Then, both sides sat down and had a calm, rational discussion about the pros and cons of a vaccine with limited testing.
According to sources, Johnston had initially planned to receive the shot after watching Governor Cuomo’s Oscar-worthy performance pleading for the public to get the vaccine. However, Johnston was dissuaded when he watched a replay of Cuomo destroying the vaccine’s credibility in an Emmy winning performance just three weeks prior.