CHESTERFIELD, MO—In a casual conversation with a coworker Friday, local Christian man Bob Demetriou stated that he believes in absolute truth.
"Yeah, I think it makes sense to believe in absolute truth," he said as he poured himself another cup of fine Folger's coffee from the communal pot. "Ultimately, relative truth collapses on itself. It's inconsistent. We have to deal in absolutes."
His coworker gasped.
"You... you deal in absolutes?" the frightened coworker said, backing away slowly and fumbling for something to defend himself with.
"Yessirree," Demetriou replied. He shrugged, accidentally spilling a bit of coffee on his shirt. "Whoospy-daisy! Clumsy ol' me. Alrighty then, have a great day!" Demetriou then walked away while whistling the Imperial March.
The coworker barely managed to escape the encounter with the Dark Lord of the Sith, sprinting back to his desk to call the police.
"Yeah, that guy over there---Bob. He's a Christian and said he only deals in absolutes," he told the responding officer. "It's a clear sign that he's a member of the Sith Order. Everyone knows only a Sith deals in absolutes."
At publishing time, the coworker had to turn himself in as a Sith when he realized that "only a Sith deals in absolutes" is in itself an absolute.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.