WASHINGTON, D.C.—The man who strongly implied half the nation were racist, Nazi, white supremacists for the entire presidential campaign has called for the nation to unify, sources confirmed Tuesday.
"It is time for us to unite," said the man who ran on the platform that half the nation are deplorable white supremacists. "We must put our differences aside, even if those differences are that half of you are Nazis who need to be removed from society, and the other half of us are on the right side of history."
Biden said there are different kinds of unity, from the normal kind where everyone tries to understand each other even though they have different viewpoints, and democratic unity, where the morally correct people throw the morally incorrect people into labor camps. According to the president, he is pushing for the second kind of unity, where the winning side imposes their will on the losing side, or else they get reeducated.
"Listen, Jack, if you can't unite with me, I will fight you," Biden said, as aides rushed to turn off the video feed. "Me and you, 20 pushups, right now. Let's go." He dropped to the floor. "One!" he shouted, though he was just kind of floundering around on the carpet. "Twenty! Ha! There you go, Jack!"
The president was then forced to press his Life Alert button to call for help. "So close--foiled again!" said Kamala Harris before slipping out of the room.