RICHMOND, VA—In a major public health initiative, Marlboro is offering a free carton of cigarettes with proof of vaccination.
Every day in 2021, you can go into any convenience store and get a full carton of cigs by showing your vaccination card.
"We want to promote public health, so we're going to make sure people get vaccinated by tempting them with our smooth, rich cigarettes," said a Philip Morris executive as he stroked a cat in his dark office lit by torches. "See, we figured out that as long as we were pro-vaccine, health officials would continue to look the other way as we sell our cancer-causing products. Muahahahaha!"
He then pressed a button that sent the reporters gathered plummeting into the shark tank.
Other promotions that have recently been announced by corporations include the following:
- Free Krispy Kreme donuts for the vaccinated
- A giant mountain of ice cream every day at Baskin-Robbins
- The ability to buy, sell, and trade at the marketplace
- Free crack cocaine from the Mexican cartels
- A giant tub of Chick-fil-A sauce for you to guzzle down
We're just glad companies are finally getting serious about making sure the country is healthy. Great job, America!