CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In a solemn launch ceremony, Vice President Mike Pence blasted off in a repurposed, totally rebuilt Space Shuttle in order to leave the earth and its temptations behind and reside on the Moon where there are no women.
"I volunteer as tribute on this dangerous mission," he'd told President Trump solemnly, trying to convince the president to approve a mission to the Moon. "Just me, my wife, and my Bible in a colony on the Moon. I can think of no better place to spend my remaining days."
The nation has long debated and discussed the "Billy Graham rule," which disallows men from meeting in private with women other than their wives. But Pence says he's trying to push the envelope on purity even further with his new "Extreme Pence Rule," where he refuses being on the same planet, moon, asteroid, or spacecraft as a woman.
"Frankly, if you're in the same atmosphere as a woman, there's bound to be some temptation," Pence said. "You need to leave some room for Jesus---something like 238,900 miles ought to do the trick."
Several dozen politicians quickly came out to blast Pence for his extreme commitment to purity, but by the time Pence had blasted off on his space voyage, 98% of them had cheated on their wives again.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.