WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Mike Pence, head of the Coronavirus Task Force, has issued a new decree, saying that the stay-at-home order will now be permanent for all women.
“Even after we defeat this pandemic,” Pence said at a press conference, “there could be other pandemics out there. That’s why it’s important we keep half the population -- namely women -- safe at home with their kids and around what most needs cleaning and cooking.”
This new decree has President Trump’s full support. “Yeah, whatever,” said Trump, not looking up from his phone as he composed new tweets.
Currently, this permanent stay-at-home order for women is being praised by feminist groups. “We misjudged Pence,” said an email from the National Organization for Women. “He really cares about women and wants to keep them safe.”
The order should go into effect immediately and last until Judgment Day. Any woman who violates the order will be forced to wear a scarlet letter “A,” which stands for “A Woman Who Doesn’t Listen.”