NEW YORK, NY—A spokesperson for MTV has finally apologized after the cable channel aired Chris Pratt’s brief acceptance speech at the MTV Movie & TV Awards earlier this week, stating that the content of his address was not totally vapid, mindless trash, and as such wasn’t in line with the network’s usual programming standards and core values.
The spokesperson told MTV viewers that Pratt’s message of hope, faith, and responsibility is “totally at odds” with the values of the channel that airs an almost constant barrage of “Jersey Shore” and “Teen Mom” spin-offs. According to the spokesperson, Pratt’s speech wasn’t vetted in advance for positive, Judeo-Christian values. Censors scrambled to bleep out words like “God,” “love,” and “pray,” but “the damage was done.” The network claims it is putting new standards into place for future awards shows, and will train its censors to prevent the channel’s international audience from hearing anything remotely helpful and encouraging.
“We regret if any of our viewers were exposed to a positive, faith-affirming message, and would like to offer a weekend marathon of ‘Teen Mom 2’ as a way to make amends,” the spokesperson said in the heartfelt apology video. “While we made a mistake here, we’d like to remind our viewers that we are the number-one source of vapid, cynical entertainment for teens and young adults, and we’re committed to making up for airing Pratt’s speech by absolutely burying you with new episodes of ‘Ex on the Beach’ and ‘MTV Floribama Shore.'”
The network further apologized if any of its viewers have ever been exposed to music videos on its channel, and stated it would be redoubling its efforts to ensure actual music is never played on any of its programs.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.