U.S.—With Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi threatening to delay the State of the Union Address because of the government shutdown, many now fear they’ll have no idea what’s going on in this country without the annual update from the president.
“Is the economy bad or good? Does the president think he’s doing a good job?” asked citizen Kent Miles. “These are the things I hope to finally find out when the president gives his yearly speech, but now Pelosi is threatening to take away that speech... and I don’t know why, because I haven’t heard the speech telling me what’s happening in this country.”
The usual habit of American citizens is to dig a small hole, crawl into it, cover themselves up with a thick tarp, and then emerge only once a year to watch a TV with antenna access to only the major networks. This makes the State of the Union address vital to their knowing what’s going on in the United States. Now those people may have to crawl back into their holes, no more enlightened, and lacking the visual of half the audience giving standing ovations while the other remain seated during trite statements by the president.
The White House is looking into an alternative way to inform the public of the state of the country and is currently considering producing a hastily published zine. Trump is reportedly busy picking out fonts.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.