U.S.—The nation’s liberals were struck by a devastating blow this week after finding out a hate crime didn’t actually happen.
“I needed this to be true,” said liberal columnist Hanna Spalding. “When I first heard the news of this attack, I was filled with so much hope. I felt so validated. Then that was taken away. Now I just want to cry into my pillow.”
The victim was unfortunately stripped of his victim status. One progressive activist became particularly irate, calling the police who investigated the hate crime and yelling “Check it again! CHECK IT AGAIN!”
After some deep breathing exercises, the progressive spoke with reporters. “How are we supposed to intentionally turn the nation against each other and exploit these divisions for political power if people won’t commit a simple hate crime once in a while?”
Candlelight vigils are being arranged in liberal cities across the country as millions mourn the loss of one of the most potentially divisive crimes in the last decade. “There was so much promise there. Now there’s just emptiness,” said one mourner in Berkley, CA.
“While this particular hate crime may have been a hoax, our emotions have undergone a modern-day lynching,” said activist Andrea Jones at a vigil in Chicago. “If you think about it, this is even worse than if the crime had actually happened. A lot of people put a lot of hope into this story. Our expectations have been violently assaulted. Yesterday we thought one man had been attacked. Today, our narrative is the one in a hospital bed, sucking Jell-O through a straw and fighting for its life.”