PACIFIC OCEAN—A deep-sea submarine sent to the bottom of the Mariana Trench to research bottom-dwelling sea creatures made an even more fascinating discovery: the United States’ moral high ground, which had sunk so low that it was previously thought to be lost forever by marine biologists.
Murky footage from the submarine showed the small patch of land representing the highest moral ground anyone in the nation could claim on the ocean floor during a descent attempt Thursday night, according to researchers.
“This is a fascinating discovery!” French marine biologist Dr. Frederic Leroy said in a statement to the press made via a translator. “We had previously thought the nation’s moral high ground had descended to such a depth that it was never to be seen again. In fact, many of my peers at university thought that the moral high ground was just a myth, and didn’t actually exist in our reality.”
“This changes everything we’ve previously thought about the moral hypocrisy of the nation,” the biologist went on as he excitedly took notes in his lab journal in his cabin aboard the French research vessel. “All the political textbooks will have to be rewritten.” The expert biologist theorized that as the personal moral standards of both Republicans and Democrats continued to slide lower and lower, the high ground of the nation descended down to sea level until it finally slid off the western coast of the country entirely, seeking the lowest possible ground it could find.
At publishing time, the research team’s unmanned submarine vessel had bumped into another structure, a discovery which Leroy currently believes to be the nation’s long-lost, rusted-out moral compass.