U.S.—Two full weeks after the horrific mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida that claimed 17 lives and injured scores more, the nation’s moral relativists have still not come out of the hiding places to which they retreated on the afternoon of the shooting, sources confirmed.
“If anyone still believes there’s no such thing as absolute right and wrong, we haven’t heard from them,” well-placed sources confirmed Wednesday. “This sort of thing happens every time there’s a terrible national tragedy. They’ll stay hidden until they run out of food and water, then they’ll come back out and reenter cultural discussions acting as though nothing happened.”
Experts issued a strong recommendation the day of the shooting that anyone holding to the belief that objective morality is a figment of mankind’s collective imagination should wait at least a month before vocalizing that position again, or risk looking like complete fools.