U.S.—The nation's programmers have finally admitted they actually aren't very talented at coding: they just know how to use Google.
At a press conference Thursday, a spokesperson for the National Programmer's Association apologized that coders have long pretended they know what they are doing when really they just search the internet for how to do stuff.
"We're sorry for those we've misled," he said. "We've pretended our job is a tough profession to learn, but that was just gatekeeping. The real secret is we know how to code just as much as you do. It's just that we know the kinds of search terms to use to find solutions."
Going forward, all programming classes will just be a teacher showing you how to Google things, from putting specific error codes in quotation marks to good sites to steal code from.
Take local man Frank Reeves: he handles all the in-house programming and tech support for an Austin firm that manufactures disc golf baskets. His coworkers and bosses all praise him as a talented programmer, but Reeves has a secret: he's just really good at googling how to do things.
Whenever he doesn't know how to do something, he just Googles it. When his bosses ask him to pull off some impossible task, he says, "Sure, no problem, I know how to do that" and then once they're gone just goes to Google and searches for how to do it.
"Yeah, I just know how to Google stuff," he admitted, shrugging. "They haven't figured it out so far."
Entire sections of code he was thought to have programmed were actually just copy-pasted wholesale from the internet. "I mean, someone else had already figured out how to program it way better than I ever could, so why reinvent the wheel?" he said as he booted up another episode of Tiger King, since all his work for the day had been done for him by Google. "Thanks, Google!"
Inspired by the programmers' brave admission, other professionals such as IT guys, auto mechanics, doctors, and pastors all admitted they too just use Google.