MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—A new app called HateFynd promises to help you find someone to commit a fake hate crime against you.
The app will allow you to browse a list of oppressors-for-hire who will leave a hateful racist note on your car, beat you senseless while wearing pro-Trump clothing, or a more classic hate crime like typing a racist name on a fake Starbucks cup.
"The problem right now is that demand for oppression far exceeds the supply," said app developer Signey Boffet. "Our app helps connect potential oppressors with their victims, so that you can post on social media that you were assaulted and get a lot of publicity." Boffet recommends getting the hate crime committed against you in the South or in a school connected with Karen Pence for maximum exposure.
"Whether you need someone to cut off your dreadlocks or assault you while wearing a MAGA hat, HateFynd guarantees to get a fake hate crime committed against you in 30 minutes or less!"
HateFynd contractors get a notification on their phone if someone needs oppressing in their area. There are specialists for everything, from beating people in MAGA hats to spraypainting racist slogans on your garage so people will think you've been oppressed and send you sympathy and maybe even money. HateFynd guarantees the lowest rates in fake hate crimes in the nation.
The app anticipates heavy demand for their product of hate, oppression, outrage, and division, and is actively seeking new contractors, "especially straight, white men."