JERUSALEM—Preserved by scholars in Israel for centuries, an ancient photograph of Cain killing Abel was released for the public for the first time. The photo contained one previously unknown detail about the incident: Al Sharpton immediately showed up just after the murder in order to cry racism.
In ancient times, to take photographs, a photographer shouted, "Stop!" and everyone froze and then they quickly painted it. It was kind of like a painting but much quicker. The early, crude photo is lacking in detail but clearly shows Sharpton popping out from behind a tree to give a speech on racism.
A document accompanying the photo contained the speech Sharpton gave.
"Here we see the white man attacking the black man and keeping him down through white supremacy," he said as Cain bashed his brother's head in with a pointy stick. "I mean, they're not literally black and white, but the systems of inequality and injustice here show that Cain might as well be white and Abel is pretty much an honorary black person."
"It wasn't just evil in the heart of man that caused this incident: it's the unjust, racist American systems rigged against persons of color," he concluded.
At publishing time, further records had emerged placing Sharpton at the assassination of Julius Caesar, the crucifixion of Christ, and a naval battle during the War of Jenkins' Ear in order to explain how racism motivated each event.