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New 'Google Tulip' Service Predicts The Searches You Were Predestined To Make In Eternity Past

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Google Monday unveiled its new "Google Tulip" service.

Delighting Calvinists everywhere, the internet and tech company confirmed the service will predict the Google searches you were predestined to make in eternity past. You won't have to put in any effort to type words into the search engine; instead, Google's algorithm will helpfully tell you which terms God sovereignly ordained for you to search before you were born.

"Our autocomplete services have been helpful for many people using our search engine," said a Google representative. "But that was only the beginning. Now, rather than waiting for you to make a search out of your own fallen will, tainted by sin, we will simply inform you what it is you were predestined to search from before time began."

"Remember: when you were in the womb, we knew you," he added creepily.

Google faced immediate backlash for the decision, with hordes of angry Arminians descending upon its Mountain View headquarters and protesting the new service. The company has defended itself, however, with a spokesperson saying they "couldn't help it," pinning their choice to debut Google Tulip on their "totally depraved nature."

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