PROVO, UT—A new video service, SportsAngel, will let you stream all your favorite sports games while bleeping out objectionable content, like protests, political slogans, and annoying commentators.
The service will censor kneeling players and political messages on courts and jerseys and will also bleep out commentators who go on and on about politics while you just want to watch some sports to relax. SportsAngel is compatible with the NFL, MLB, NBA, and any other sports league that decides to "get woke."
"SportsAngel is great," said Lou Randall of Texarkana as he settled into his easy chair. "Sports is my safe space -- now I can settle in and watch some people hit a ball around without worrying that I'll be confronted with a message about social justice." His screen then showed some MLB players standing for the national anthem, but all the kneeling players were blurred out.
Many experts believe the streaming service could save America, since people will finally be able to reclaim their outlet for aggression and tribalism outside of politics and the real world, allowing them to be calmer and better adjusted.
Soccer will not be included in the service, since no one in the U.S. watches dumb sports like soccer anyway.