U.S.—A new technology released this week automatically electrocutes worship leaders with 50,000 volts whenever they deviate from the song arrangements they themselves selected and rehearsed throughout the week.
Developed by a coalition of church audiovisual technicians, the technology consists of a series of electrodes strapped to the worship leader and a small wireless device that communicates with the church’s presentation software via Wi-Fi.
The second the product detects any attempt to repeat a chorus an extra time, go back to a previous verse at random, or begin ad-libbing, it sends the powerful electrical shock through the worship leader’s body.
“Let’s all sing that bridge one more ti—AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” a worship leader testing the first consumer version of the device reportedly screamed as he tried to work in another bridge above and beyond the three previously planned bridges. “Grraageglle gazllgel rnglerrrrrrrt!!!!”
As the worship leader continued to writhe and twitch on the ground in pain, the tech’s developers nodded approvingly and jotted down notes confirming the device was working accurately.
“See how he’s completely unable to lead the song in a meandering direction that the audiovisual team and the congregation can’t follow? That means it’s doing its job,” one engineer said with a look of satisfaction on his face.
The device is available now as a standalone for $99, but also comes in multi-pack sets that will allow you to threaten the entire worship team with a sudden jolt of electricity should any of them try to steer a song off course.
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