NEW YORK, NY—The New York Times has called for the banning of coffee shops after learning that people can have "unfettered conversations" in them.
"We must ban coffee shops, as people can have conversations there that journalists are unable to fact-check," wrote Taylor Lorenz in a piece for the Times this morning. "I went up to a group in a coffee shop just the other day and sat down with them so I could record their conversation, fact-check, and dox them. They told me to 'go away' and that 'you're really weird and kinda scaring us a bit, lady' -- is this the future of democracy? People participating in free speech without any journalists around to monitor them?"
"This isn't the future the Founders -- who were racist and bigoted, by the way -- intended." The piece went on to call coffee shops, bars, water coolers, homes, parks, malls, and pubs all "alt-right funnels" for the way people can be radicalized by just talking to each other in them, outside the earshot of journalists.
The Times team is also working on a piece calling for the banning of mouths, since you could say literally anything with them.