NEW YORK, NY—While many pro-democracy pundits around the world have come out in favor of the Cuban protestors, The New York Times has slammed them for adopting the U.S. flag, a notorious symbol of hate.
"Do you know how many of our reporters are triggered by the horrifying sight of the stars and stripes?" wrote the author of one op-ed in Sunday's paper. "We'll be forced to pay tens of thousands of dollars for trauma counseling for our team of journalists and interns after this. These Cubans don't understand the psychological damage they're doing to our poor, oppressed reporters."
"It's really disgusting."
New York Times editorial board member Mara Gay was particularly affected by the sight of the U.S. flag, saying she "was literally killed" when she saw the stars and stripes being waved by Cubans.
"I died that day," she told the press. "Literally. I am dead. As dead as AOC, may she rest in peace."
After an awkward pause, she added, "I got better."
Gay went on to point out that if the Communist regime had just been a little less greedy they could have given one billion dollars to every Cuban and resolved the crisis. "I've done the math; it's really quite incredible."
Meanwhile, the Times has put out an open letter to the protesters asking them to use a less offensive symbol, "perhaps the Chinese flag or just a good old-fashioned hammer and sickle."