NEW YORK CITY, NY—Ever since the NFL's recent announcement that "football is gay," critics have challenged the organization to enact new enforcement measures to maintain an acceptable level of gayness at each game.
Starting this season, The National Football League will allow refs to throw rainbow-colored flags on the field if they catch any players not being gay enough.
"Listen-- it's 2021. Football is gay. Always has been," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Unfortunately, we still have a few players living in the past who need to get with the program. If we catch anyone in our league not being totally gay all the time, you can bet we'll be nipping that in the bud!"
Some of the new penalties being introduced include:
- Failure to skip
- Failure to cuddle after contact
- Badly coordinated outfit
- Not enough men on the field
- Delay of coming out
- Being Tim Tebow
- Not enough holding
"We recognize that these penalties read like a bunch of bad jokes written by straight men, but this is the fi-- stop laughing! This is the first step towards a more inclusive NFL. Stop laughing!" explained Goodell.
Many fans are welcoming the changes, but some protested. Several disgruntled homophobes have announced they will no longer watch football and are switching to soccer.