BURBANK, CA—After a special sing-along with a drag queen in Blue's Clues and You, which is a real thing that happened and not satire, Nickelodeon announced today an exciting new show that will teach communism to toddlers, Red's Clues.
The show will feature a modified version of Blue, Red, who has been brainwashed to support the Communist Party and weed out any traitors and enemies of the state. Red will leave clues around the house so toddlers can participate in searching for undesirables to be sent to hard labor camps.
Episodes will teach kids to love the Party and hate capitalism. One early episode focuses on Joseph Stalin and his "amazing accomplishments," while another has children pledge allegiance to Chairman Mao and the Communist Party of China.
"This is a fun, exciting, interactive way for us to teach your children communism!" said one producer of the show. "Remember -- the best way to make sure your kids learn all the important stuff in life is to set them in front of Nickelodeon unsupervised. We have shown ourselves to be upstanding people with great moral values." The producer had to cut his press conference short, however, when he was arrested under suspicion of sexual misconduct.
Red's Clues will have no human host, since he's already been sent to the gulag. In the first episode, Red finds incriminating information on the host's notebook, and he's hauled away kicking and screaming. The mailbox is also sent to the gulag for carrying letters potentially critical of the Communist Party, as is the salt shaker, since he is white.